And so it begins......

And so it begins.........

I have sat here for hours trying to decide how to write this, and the conclusion I came to was just write it! So here goes.

 

My whole life I have battled my mind and my body. never looking or acting the way society said i should. This was not by choice it just seemed that i was destined to be the "chubby" girl at school that was loud and out there a bit "crazy", an oh so often making wrong decisions and constantly being embattled with my emotions all in an effort to over compensate for not being "perfect" and in desperation to be liked. To be accepted. 

so a while back now i decided that 2013 was the year to change it all. i would be turning 25 and as i was officially going to be an adult i had to start acting like one. start making the right decisions for me. decisions and choices that will affect my life from here on in.

so i made a list.

 a list of things most important to me. my priorities. my goals.

and then another list of steps of how i was going to achieve them.

the list surprised me as the words went on to the paper. what i used to think was so important was no longer relevant. my priorities had changed. and my goals were so mature and realistic.

had i really changed that much?

only 2 years ago i was resigning myself to the fact that i would be a psych ward lifer, destined to be alone. never to work again. living with my parents in some sort of sad existence. 

 

and then i realized that all of that was a choice. it was my choice. i could let it happen or i could change it. i had so much fear, fear of failing not just myself but everyone around me. so many times in my life i had said i was going to change things and then i would never follow through.

 

i had so many times before made all these grandiose plans to "change". but i always let the "its too hard" voice in my head take over. and i would tell myself things like "you've always been fat" so whats the point in trying to change it now? "your diagnosed crazy" so just take all the pills and live a zombie like existence.

 

then i looked at my list.

 there it was in black and white.

1. Be Happier.

 it seemed so simple but had eluded me for so long.
 but how? how was i going to "be happier"? i really had nothing to be happy about. i didnt have a job, i lived at home with my parents, no prospects of love in the near or distant future, and a good day consisted of waking up.

so i made a choice. a choice to change. and the first thing to change was how i valued myself. for the first time in my life i was going to make a commitment to myself. because as they say "no one can love you if you dont love yourself".

i had to change the way i thought before i could ever change the way i looked and felt.
 but this time i would tell nobody. mostly because i didn't want them to see me fail yet again but also because i wanted to prove to myself that i didn't need an audience to perform for that i was the most important person to impress.

 so it began.
and thanks to a very good friend of mine after 3 years of doing sweet FA i went back to work. and let me tell you there were many times i wanted to through in the towel. times when i thought i had made a huge mistake but i pushed through it. i cried, a lot. but i did it.
 i proved to myself that i was still able to contribute to the world.

and as the rolling stone gathers moss,
i started seeing things differently. appreciating the little things so much more.
life was good.

and then the strangest thing happened. i met someone. someone who wanted to be with me and didnt try to change me despite my many imperfections. he has shown me that "unconditional love" people talk about. he brings out the best in me.

so i want to be the best me i can be.
 inside and out.
 mind and body.

this is day one.
who knows how many it will take.
i don't know and i don't care.
because this is my commitment to myself. my commitment to being not only the "happier" Ali but the "healthier" Ali too.


first on the list to go is the cigarettes.
 so as of Monday 5th August i will endeavor to be a non smoker.
i will be a non smoker.

i have many lifestyle changes to make.
 and i will make them.
 i will make the change.

and so it begins.